Tag Archives: weight loss

“Get good at failing”


Wise advice from a dear friend of mine.  And, no, it doesn’t mean “try” to fail.  It is much simpler and much deeper than that.

Getting good at failing – to me – means accepting that I am human and will make mistakes.  If there are consequences, we need to face them bravely and move on.

My definition of mistakes is VERY broad.  Any mistakes, people, we all make them.  From ignoring the truth of those around you to forgetting to get bread at the store.  Anything that “one” deems is a mistake, in their own perception of life, no matter how trivial it might be (as it probably leads to something much deeper).

Mistakes are an opportunity to see how things could have been done differently.  It is a chance to begin again.  How I deal with my own failures, no matter how big or small, must ultimately be acknowledged, accepted and left behind.  I guess in a poetic way, it would be fighting and defending for my own future.

My nephew’s sweet Halloween smile! So full of joy!

If I just pick my head up and move on, without getting caught up emotionally in the concept of failure..just get up and try again.  Deep inside, I know I am not built of failure or I would not be where I am.  I have survived and will continue to do so.

So, why not just get up and try again when I fall on my butt.  Which reminds me of my sweet baby nephew.  He is such a beautiful boy.  He is now running, but he went through a trial of falling and getting back up.  He did not allow the pure awesomeness of opportunites that walking would lead to.  He just knew he didn’t want to keep crawling for the rest of his life.  It is an innate part of us as humans.

Sometimes it can be that simple.

The outcomes in my life are bound to my much different then they have been.  What do you think?

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Let Go and Let God…


Long ago, at a previous job, I had a friend (one of My Angels) who battled lots of difficult pains and struggles, one of which was addiction.  Now, before you jump the boat and immediately begin defining her addiction, I want you to take a step back and just look at addiction for the sake of what it is: addiction.  Many of us have chemical addictions to caffeine.  Um…hello to all of you who sleep in “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” jammies!  An addiction is an addiction, whether it is emotional, chemical or whatever.  Period.  Let’s move on.

I watched my friend struggle her addictions, sometimes on a moment by moment basis.  I was able to see within her spirit the desire to continue on.  The fight to keep on fighting.  The defeats that she sometimes crawled through.  From her perspective, she only saw the failures and mistakes she made each day.  From my perspective, How, I didn’t know.  Then one day she shared with me.

Every morning, she would get up early and give her day to God.  She would ask God to carry her burdens for the day and guide her actions and thoughts.  She described to me the sense of peace that would help her through the day.

We are all human beings, and capable of failure, setback and burnout among many other things.  Sometimes it is hard to accept our humanness.  The worries and anxieties of everyone’s expectations (including your own) overwhelm you.  They sure worry me.  Now, in the mornings, I open my morning with prayer and thanksgiving to God.  I pray for strength to get through the day, and for the wisdom to make good decisions and be good help to many.

I challenge you to try the same…Each morning, spend a few minutes and pray.  Give your day to God.

Each and every morning,

I give my concerns to You, God.

I acknowledge my weaknesses.

Please guide my hands,

And my decisions,

And my perspectives,

And my compassion.

I ask that You work through me.

Love and inspire others through me.

I will listen for Your voice.

And I will know,

The richness of Your Love,

And Jesus’ Sacrifice,

And how the Holy Spirit lives within us.

I will listen for your voice.

Amen.

Unreachable


Wow.  I survived.  By the sweet grace of God, I survived Thursday night.  I cannot even begin to explain.

I know that I woke up on Friday morning still grumpy, bags under my eyes, hating life in general.  I felt as if I had survived an exorcism.  I had just faced my life’s issues…my demons, if you will.  All of the parts of me that hide away, as well as how my decisions do effect and have effected my family, everyone around me, and myself.  How I truly feel like I had let everyone down.  Then couple that with a family counseling class that has forced me to look at my family on paper and notice patterns and blah blah blah.

Point is…I came to direct terms with the very real fact: I am broken.  We all are.  We are all victims of the behaviors of others, and we all take turns victimizing one another, whether we know it or not.  It is human nature.  It is inevitable.

God had given me all of these miraculous blessings in my life and I had hurt them all and was not as grateful as I could have been.  I took a lot of true blessings for granted.  I felt such shame and unworthiness.

Then, this song played…

The words spoke everything I was thinking and feeling.  The overwhelming sense of peace began to bring reassurance and comfort, love and protection.  All of my human fears vanished and once again I felt the truest of truth, I felt God within my soul.  I knew we would be okay if I just stayed focused on His guidance.  When I am weak, He will give me strength.

Not only did the blessings continue to pour down on us, but the awareness of God’s great and abundant love became ever so clear again.  I had been missing that sense of fullness and faith.

Yes, Uncle T., I heard your message, Let go and Let God.  It is easier said than done, AND it is necessary.  When you turn your life over to God and allow Him to work through you, He will provide for you.

It is simply amazing.

Broken


ImageAs I sit here, tears are falling down my face.  It seems as though all I have done lately is apologize for not being good enough, quick enough, right enough, smart enough, skinny enough, early enough.  It seems as though I cannot meet any goals or responsibilities or expectations.  I don’t even know if the expectations are my own or not.  All I know is that my head is swimming and I want to go to bed.

But I can’t.

I have to face all of the fears and failures, real or not, but I don’t know how.  I am trying all kinds of methods, but nothing “works fast enough.”

How do I grab all of the pieces of my life and put them together again?  How do I escape the daily dread of letting my family down or letting others down?  Of letting myself down?

I mean, anyone else’s life, and I would have no problem helping them come up with a plan of action and get organized, but when it is my own, I am clueless.  I don’t know where to begin.

How do I successfully mesh together a plan for financial stability and responsibility, for physical health and fitness, for educational growth and future opportunity and security, for successful work habits and development, AND find time to be a good mommy?  I am always letting someone down.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to go back for a Masters degree!  I must have been out of my ever-loving mind to think I could pull it off when I had yet to get in order the current issues of my life.

How do you move past the pain without first having to recognize it for what it is, and either accept it for fix it?  How do I face the hurt about certain situations, knowing there is no immediate solution?  How do I escape the deep sense of longing and loss?.

How do you move past the fear that paralyzes your every move?  Fear of what, you ask?  Just plain fear.  Fear of everything…failure, loss, pain, hurt, unintentionally hurting others, of not being loved, of not loving enough, of being alone, of not being enough.  Fear of actually living life.  Fear of being who I really am.  Fear of judgement.  Fear of being called crazy.  Fear of EVERYTHING!

How do I face the fullness of the consequences for my decisions in life, particularly over the past three years.  No, there is not a lot I would change, but the consequences are killing me!  I know I put myself here, and I know that it is nobody’s fault but my own.  REGARDLESS of how I got here, I am here, and I don’t know how to move forward.

I pray, don’t worry about that.  I do.  And even though I know my God is a kind and loving God, I still feel I don’t deserve the blessings He has graced in my life NOW, what makes me think I am worth more of His mercy and love?  I have messed up everything He has provided.  Over and over.

I am on my knees with tears in my eyes asking for guidance.  God, please fill my brokenness, because I don’t know how…

Repeated Failure OR Why I Eat


Cupcake contemplates Domino’s too. She loves those garlic knot thingies.

The thing about setting goals, is that there will always be failure.  over and over failure.  Especially when you are setting LIFE ALTERING goals.  Losing weight is not just the simple goal of ridding yourself of excess “stuff.”  It is a battle that can sometimes consume you (pardon the pun) moment to moment.

And because each moment takes sheer, life-altering strength, each moment also possesses potential for failure.

Each moment is a struggle that is physical, emotional, sometimes spiritual.  Oh please, have you never gotten in the guilt battle with your self because you are not treating your body like a temple to God:  It is His gift to me, and I have all of my fingers and toes and am very fortunate, but I don’t even show my appreciation to God by eating healthy?  It is even better when reinforced my “those who love you.”

Sometimes the struggle is about happiness.  I feel so miserable right now, but I know that garlic knot thingy from Domino’s will make me happy.  Even for just a moment.  Now, tell me how that CANNOT result in a massive battle between why you make food so important in your life, and why you cannot seem to be capable of making your own self happy.

Sometimes it is physical.  And by physical, I mean both perceived and real physical struggles.  Sometimes there is this deep hunger that is just that…feeling hungry.  No matter what you do or don’t do, the feeling never feels satiated.  You can eat yourself sick, and you still have hunger pangs.  What the hell is that?!  Seems kind of not fair.  But that is the way it is sometimes.  They feel very REAL, whether or not they are perceived.

THEN, you have everything else to still worry about on top of it.  Consistently being judged and criticized…by YOUR OWN SELF, by others, always feeling like you are failing everyone because your focus is always set on that internal hunger struggle.  It really can be consuming.

I just read back…guess I might be changing the title of this one, because I seem to have gotten sidetracked.  lol  typical me.  Love me for my rant, I suppose.

Back to the failures at hand…

Admitting failure is another internal struggle for me.  Avoiding admitting failure is more my style.  I have this wonderful website that helps me to track my weight loss goals, and food, and other statistics.  http://www.myfitnesspal.com in case you are interested.

I am GREAT at tracking everything, when  I am doing everything right, which is NOT very often.  (It is very hard to work on NOT eating, while ALSO working on getting your overly heavy bottom off the couch and moving it!  Those are two totally different beasts within).

Oops, speaking of failure…pizza is here.  Talk to you later!  🙂

How I hide from my fatness and other such illusions


This is a great “in-depth” perspective.  It is like what I was walking about in Hiding Behind Fat a few days ago.

How I hide from my fatness and other such illusions.

…wow

80 Pounds Lost – Another Photo


I found a good close up shot to compare my weightloss, so I figured I would add it too.

When I look at the pic on the left, I see myself…but it is like I see myself trapped…like I see myself hidden INSIDE of that face and that photo.  Bizarre!

Hiding behind fat


I had not even begun to think about extra attention I will receive for when I do finally get down to a more appropriate weight…not from friends and family, but from John and Jane Q. Public.  Yes, John and Jane would be the people who completely ignored me before, or just looked at me with disgust or pity.

I would be a normal person, with whom anyone would just strike up a conversation.  I used to be very outgoing, but I have shelled up a LOT.  About an hour ago, I was just thinking about how my sons can strike up a conversation and make friends anywhere with anyone!  It is amazing.  I want to be like that again.

I have definitely hidden behind my many pounds as an excuse not to have to socialize on many many occasions. I have used my weight as an excuse to NOT do a lot of things!

NOT ANYMORE.  I am going to learn how to face the world again!

um…anyone know how I do this?

Doin Da Butt


Yes, I am a product of the 80’s.  I think my favorite all time song from then is “Da Butt” by E.U.  I can remember all of the junior high dances, all of us in a big huddle shakin our butts.  It was so much fun.  I grew up at dances when hip hop dance music was really becoming the big thing, and I learned how to dance primarily with my butt, generally feet are planted.

I think my butt is why I am struggling with Zumba!

I mean, I have done Zumba for a few days, and what really, really hurts is my BUTT.  I am trying to boody dance to zumba, and it is not the same!  UGH!

I am also having problems with the steps being so fast.  I mean, moving all of my “bits and pieces” that quickly is near impossible!   But, I figure as long as I am focused on the basic motions of the movements, the rest will begin to fall into place.  Here’s hoping!

BTW, I love how they teach the steps in the first video.  Even though I had done bellydancing several years back, I realized I had been doing some of the moves wrong, or at least focusing on the wrong body parts.  Very interesting stuff!  OK…not really.

Here’s a little ol skool rewind for my 80’s friends:

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Photos are here! 328 lbs. vs. 248 lbs.


Here you go.  These pics kind of saved my motivation.  As I mentioned in my 80-pounds lost blog, I look in the mirror, and I still only see the belly that has to go away, or the flabby part of the inner thigh (which I have so tenderheartedly refer to as “giblets.”) 

It wasn’t until I saw these photos that I realized how far I had come.  This is the difference between 328 pounds and 248 pounds.  Can I hear an AMEN?!