Tag Archives: true love

Watch Me Unfold…The Root of My Transformation

Thank you, Pandora, for bringing me such enlightenment in the morning!  This song is an amazing interpretation of my thoughts.  It is the root of my transformation…truly.  My whole life, I have been so afraid of EVERYTHING!  I don’t know why, really, I just am.

By afraid, I mean that I over-think every situation, every decision, and every potential decision until I have overwhelmed myself with “what ifs” and “but then if this happens, that will happen, and so-and-so will be upset, which will lead to such-and-such”.

REALLY?  Who has time for all of that crap?!

I want to LIVE LIFE and just be grateful of each breathing moment God blesses to my loved ones and me.  I want to open my heart to Him and them.  After all, what else is there on this earth worth more than love?

Unfold By Marie Digby

what i can remember
is alot like water
trickling down a page
of the most beautiful colors
i can’t quite put my
finger down on the moment
that i became like … this

you see, i’m the bravest girl
you will ever come to meet
and yet i shrink down to nothing
at the thought of someone
really seeing me
i think my heart is wrapped around
and tangled up in winding weeds

but i don’t wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my.. imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word i say comes stumbling
i will bare it all.. watch me unfold

these hands that i hold
behind my back are
bound and broken by my own doing
and i can’t feel
anything, anymore
i need a touch to remind me
i’m still real..

my soul
it’s dying to be free
i can’t live the rest of my life
so guarded
it’s up to me to choose..
what kind of life i lead.

cause i don’t wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my.. imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word i say comes stumbling
i will bare it all.. watch me unfold

i will allow someone to love me
i will allow someone to love me…

love me.. love me…

Lyrics by Marie Digby

Focus on me…I’m worth it!

One step…a very important step…of my transformation is to focus on me.  Sounds simple enough, maybe even greedy.

Let me tell you a quick little story about a girl.  When she was 15, she fell deeply and madly in love with an adorable cuban boy from brooklyn.  He fell in love with her too.  Their love was so pure and honest that it scared the girl away…many times.  But living without him was unbearable, and the girl would be brave and go back to him begging for his love.  Undeniably, he would take her into his arms once again.

This went on for years, until they stopped returning each others calls.

Lets just say that I can relate to this girls life…except for the parts that sound really pitiful.

I have been talking to him again through facebook for about four years now, and recently might have had a deja-rendez-vous (you’ll have to buy the book for those deets!  haha)

Realize this, he lives 900 miles away and is not in a position to begin a relationship.  We have had some amazing discussions and he has been there for me – to pull me off the proverbial windowledge a few times.  I never realized before how well he knows me.  He has been a wonderful blessing as a friend.  But anything more than that is not possible right now and I am finding myself upset over that.  But not for the right reasons. 

In the shower this morning, I was thinking about how I felt about the entire situation between him and me.  It seems like his feelings for me fluctuate like the tides.  One day he is all twitterpated, and the next day he is…just him.  His freaking responses are so up and down.  Then, it hit me.  I realized I have been “reading into” every conversation.  He is the one who has been consistent.  I am the one who has been off her rocker!  It is so intensely self-centered, isn’t it?  Truely, I don’t “need” him.  I don’t need anyone but God and myself.  Relationships can never be based on that kind of need, because it is not healthy. It is not fair to him, and it certainly won’t get me anywhere but ultimately heartbroken. 

So, I am forced to open my eyes once again to the reality of the situation…

My point is this…realistically speaking…I have nothing to offer anyone right now.  I am a mess, and I don’t particularly like myself very much.

I think this is where a lot of people might head for a rebound relationship our some sort of emotionally supportive relationship.  I feel like I can’t live without him.  I feel like I can’t breathe without him…I glow just to heart his voice.  He knows me better than any other man I’ve ever known.  While all of this might be true on some level, and a relationship might be inevitable…or hell, it could be poppycock.  Either way, it is not what is best for me right now. 

Right now, I need to put all of my energy and hopes into myself.  Right now, I figure that if I pour all of my energy into him and loving him, and forming a relationship with him, I will never fully be able to find myself and move forward in a positive way.  I have spent so, so, so many years trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be…perhaps because I was so afraid of just being myself.  In fact, I now believe that I would intentionally pour myself into those around to AVOID being myself.  How crazy is that?!  Now, don’t get me wrong, he is an amazing friend and I will always love him dearly…but…

I think I deserve some of my love and attention.  I am worth it.  Right now, I have to be more important than others in my life (with the exception of my 9-year old son!!!).   

I have all of these dreams for my future.  I want to have a foster care group home one day, where I can help kids to transition into living on their own successfully after foster care.  I want to write a book (or 10?) and get published…in a way that helps others.  I feel like God has an immense plan for me.  I know I am not there right now.  And I know that everything I am going through, all experience that I gain, all tribulations that I overcome are all for the purpose of God’s plan for me. 

But I strongly feel that God is calling me to work on myself.  I cannot help anyone else properly, if I can’t even help myself, right?  If God thinks I deserve it, perhaps I should too…

Now I just have to remember that I feel this way the next time I get caught up in the emotion!

Love at First Sight

Have you ever looked at someone and immediately knew that they would be a forever part of your life?  With one single momentary glance, your pulse races, your palms sweat, your mind and thoughts are obliterated, and you are overcome with a deep, mystical sense of familiarity and comfort.   Looking back at the memory, you study the details of the moment, and you realize that there was like a light behind the person, magnifying thier soul to your own.  The thought of that person consumes your every thought and moment from then on.  The thoughts of them might even drive you insane, or at least you will feel that way. 

I guess I don’t believe it is really love at “first” sight…but maybe more of a “rekindling of souls.”  I have been fortunate enough to experience this revelation a few times.  The first time would be the love of my life.  Our souls have forever been intertwined (maybe one day our lives will connect again as well).  I have also felt this sensation with each of my three children.  Although my children were adopted from foster care, I still experienced an incredible feeling of instantaneous love the first time I saw each of them.  The only way I can relate it to others is to compare it to the feeling that a new mother must feel when the nurse or doctor places her new baby upon her chest.  It is an instanteous moment of AMAZING.

Another thing I noticed is that your heart can never fully let them go, no matter how hard they fight you, or how they might disappoint you, or not live up to your unrealistic expectations, or go off on their own to live their own lives.  The love is as unconditional as humans can possibly comprehend.

…just saying.