Tag Archives: depression

How to NOT Control your child


This is a great article on how to back away from being a “control freak” of a mother…something I definitely need help with.  🙂

Parent Affirmation Monday- 8/13/2012- control.

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Depression


Should I actually admit it? To my family? To my friends? To my coworkers? To the general public all around the world?

I am depressed. I cannot control it. I am ashamed, and I afraid of being judged.  I don’t want to be thought of as weak.

So, what am I going to do about it? Well, I started by going to my family doctor last week. He has prescribed a lightweight medication to start and recommended regular exercise (also on my transformation list, for other reasons).

I also need to be more openminded about what depression means. I don’t want to be pressured by what John Q. Public “thinks” depression means. I don’t know why depression has the big back cloud over it that it does. BAHAHA  I think we all fall prey to this kind of thing over the span of a lifetime.  I simply don’t want it to consume me…

Now, I have found this really cool website with some helpful resources (http://www.12step.com/articles/12-step-lifestyle/12-step-program-depression). At first glance of http://www.depressedanon.com, it seemed way over what I needed. Then I saw it! A 12-step plan for depression? Who knew, right?! I think I might check this out.

I need a plan


image

There is something about
Sharpie markers that bring the world into focus.  If I want change, I am going to need a plan.  Sometimes its as simple as some markers and post its.  Lots of pink, of course.

I pretty much mapped out what I want to happen in my life…with the exception of marrying Jon Bon Jovi.  That’s a given.

Over the past two years, in the midst of life, I have been doing a great deal of spiritual exploration.  I think that really needs to continue.

I also need to try and have a little fun.  I think I might even try smile meditation again.  (from Eat, Pray, Love- the book, NOT the movie).

If I sit here and look at the big picture, it overwelms the sprinkles out of me.  So, one day at a time…one step at a time.

Look out world, Sunshine has sharpie markers!!!

Cast out the demons


That’s what I said…demons.  Cast them out.  I have never really understood the concept of a person having demons, but now I think I might have an idea.

There is something deep within that is so hurt…and sad…and angry.  I can’t really tell if it is related to a past event or a current one.

Something to think and pray about.

Back in Black


I have spent 37 years of my life making excuses.  NO MORE!  I am not on a weight loss expedition…obviously, that one failed.  After all, my last blog entry was in 2009 for goodness sakes.  Now, I AM happy to report that I have lost and kept off 60 pounds since the beginning of the blog, but I still a looonnnngggg way to go.

Like I said, I am not here to lose weight.  I am here for TRANSFORMATION!  From the inside out!  A lot, and I mean, A LOT, has occurred in my life since the last blogs.  I feel myself going through somewhat of a mid-life crisis…oh the times, they are-a changin’.  I have been on this three year roller coaster ride, which has left me contemplating life in general.

To sum it up, I got temporary custody of my two grandchildren; then my 25 year old son moved up to help me with his children; then came the separation and eventual divorce from my husband of 15 years; financial struggles; kidney stones; landlord committed suicide leaving us looking for a home; husband dating my friend at work (now talking about marriage and taking our 9 year old son ring shopping – isn’t it bad enough that he wants to go live with them?!); broken teeth coupled with excruciating pain; lack of a sex life; an old boyfriend in Florida offering love/support, and potentially empty promises;  after nearly 18 months of living with me and my son – their father – my grandchildren were then “legally kidnapped” by their mother once she was released from jail after her 2-3 month homeless crime-spree across the US with her drugged-out boyfriend and third child;  She would not allow us to see or speak to them for 6 months, leaving us fearing for their safety and well-being; more financial stress;  all resulting in a long, slow, gradual lapse into depression.  Oh yeah, and did I mention that I am overweight!!??  (ok, I am done whining)

I have been trying to stay too strong for too long.  Last week it was like I finally woke up.  And I was in a deep hole, looking up.  All I could see were the faces of everyone in my life, people I truly feel like I have let down.  It was as if they were all asking me, “Hey, what are you doing in a hole?  Why are you there?”  All along, I hadn’t even known I was there.  That is what depression is like…for me, at least.  It is gradual.  Things begin to get overwhelming, and within a few months, I am avoiding anything that could even remotely be overwhelming.  I don’t even go into my kitchen anymore…partly because my now 26-year old son is a slob and leaves the nastiest messes, and partly because the very sight of dishes overwhelms me. 

I can make it through my work day, but by the time I get home, I am completely wiped out.  I don’t want to move, I just want to sit or lay down.  I don’t want to be near anyone or talk to anyone, unless they are going to coddle me and hold me tight.  Pitiful right?

I have always lived my life in a certain way.  Perhaps some would call me a snob.  I certainly have done my share of judging others.  I consider this entire process a horrifying lesson in being humble.  I am only now beginning to piece together the things that I must do to turn my life around…to transform myself and become the person I want to be.  And hopefully, I can find a way to help others at the same time.  Join me?

Talk to you later!