Category Archives: Video

Weightless


This is me today.  I am choosing to continue moving forward.  I am continuing to face and let go of my emotional baggage.  It is like having a moment of weightlessness, this whole “touchy feely therapy” stuff.  It seems like the more fears I face, which are very, very difficult, the more weightless I feel.

I have begun having conversations with people to discuss things that I have always been so afraid to just say.  I know it sounds easy, but it is not easy for me.  I may seem social, but when it comes to confrontation, even mild, I tend to shy away and internalize what I want to say or what I feel.  “Stifle yourself,” Archie Bunker would say.  Well, that is one way of dealing with stress.

All that seems to ever get me is so anxious (i.e. emotionally constipated) and overwhelmed at NOT facing the confrontation.

Of course, this new life changing way of thought has played a toll on me.  Evidently, I am an emotional eater (I suppose I have always lived in denial).  It seems like the more of this crap I have faced, the more I have relied on food to comfort me during the process.  However many pounds I have but back on (fluctuates between 10-18 pounds) are haunting me and making me feel like a failure.  I am realizing now the patterns involved in why I am eating, and I believe there is a more to learn.

Point is, this is a good song.  And I need to remember to forgive my own mistakes, and move forward.

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The Study of Happiness


The Happy Movie is awesome!

I just watched the most eye-opening documentary – “Happy” – on the study of happiness (aka positive psychology for those who care). There were some amazingly simple and fundamental points made within the nearly two hours of information. Sounds boring, but really, it was awesome.  Just understanding that happiness is something that exists within each of us and that bonds us, is truly compelling.

It kind of reminds me of the simplicity of togetherness that we all seek.  Good movie, check it out!

I know the full movie is available on netflix, and there is a clip of it available below (and no, I am not getting paid to promote it or anything…it just added a new perspective through my journey!)

Film – The Happy Movie | The Happy Movie.

Unreachable


Wow.  I survived.  By the sweet grace of God, I survived Thursday night.  I cannot even begin to explain.

I know that I woke up on Friday morning still grumpy, bags under my eyes, hating life in general.  I felt as if I had survived an exorcism.  I had just faced my life’s issues…my demons, if you will.  All of the parts of me that hide away, as well as how my decisions do effect and have effected my family, everyone around me, and myself.  How I truly feel like I had let everyone down.  Then couple that with a family counseling class that has forced me to look at my family on paper and notice patterns and blah blah blah.

Point is…I came to direct terms with the very real fact: I am broken.  We all are.  We are all victims of the behaviors of others, and we all take turns victimizing one another, whether we know it or not.  It is human nature.  It is inevitable.

God had given me all of these miraculous blessings in my life and I had hurt them all and was not as grateful as I could have been.  I took a lot of true blessings for granted.  I felt such shame and unworthiness.

Then, this song played…

The words spoke everything I was thinking and feeling.  The overwhelming sense of peace began to bring reassurance and comfort, love and protection.  All of my human fears vanished and once again I felt the truest of truth, I felt God within my soul.  I knew we would be okay if I just stayed focused on His guidance.  When I am weak, He will give me strength.

Not only did the blessings continue to pour down on us, but the awareness of God’s great and abundant love became ever so clear again.  I had been missing that sense of fullness and faith.

Yes, Uncle T., I heard your message, Let go and Let God.  It is easier said than done, AND it is necessary.  When you turn your life over to God and allow Him to work through you, He will provide for you.

It is simply amazing.

Broken


ImageAs I sit here, tears are falling down my face.  It seems as though all I have done lately is apologize for not being good enough, quick enough, right enough, smart enough, skinny enough, early enough.  It seems as though I cannot meet any goals or responsibilities or expectations.  I don’t even know if the expectations are my own or not.  All I know is that my head is swimming and I want to go to bed.

But I can’t.

I have to face all of the fears and failures, real or not, but I don’t know how.  I am trying all kinds of methods, but nothing “works fast enough.”

How do I grab all of the pieces of my life and put them together again?  How do I escape the daily dread of letting my family down or letting others down?  Of letting myself down?

I mean, anyone else’s life, and I would have no problem helping them come up with a plan of action and get organized, but when it is my own, I am clueless.  I don’t know where to begin.

How do I successfully mesh together a plan for financial stability and responsibility, for physical health and fitness, for educational growth and future opportunity and security, for successful work habits and development, AND find time to be a good mommy?  I am always letting someone down.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to go back for a Masters degree!  I must have been out of my ever-loving mind to think I could pull it off when I had yet to get in order the current issues of my life.

How do you move past the pain without first having to recognize it for what it is, and either accept it for fix it?  How do I face the hurt about certain situations, knowing there is no immediate solution?  How do I escape the deep sense of longing and loss?.

How do you move past the fear that paralyzes your every move?  Fear of what, you ask?  Just plain fear.  Fear of everything…failure, loss, pain, hurt, unintentionally hurting others, of not being loved, of not loving enough, of being alone, of not being enough.  Fear of actually living life.  Fear of being who I really am.  Fear of judgement.  Fear of being called crazy.  Fear of EVERYTHING!

How do I face the fullness of the consequences for my decisions in life, particularly over the past three years.  No, there is not a lot I would change, but the consequences are killing me!  I know I put myself here, and I know that it is nobody’s fault but my own.  REGARDLESS of how I got here, I am here, and I don’t know how to move forward.

I pray, don’t worry about that.  I do.  And even though I know my God is a kind and loving God, I still feel I don’t deserve the blessings He has graced in my life NOW, what makes me think I am worth more of His mercy and love?  I have messed up everything He has provided.  Over and over.

I am on my knees with tears in my eyes asking for guidance.  God, please fill my brokenness, because I don’t know how…

It ain’t easy being green


Sometimes, it really isn’t easy being green.  I love this song and it shaped part of my youth.  It is all about acceptance and love and beauty.  Truly, that is central in our existence.

Green can be a strange color.  It’s associations range from good to bad; from a loveable Muppet that accepts differences; earthliness and healthiness to greediness,  or affinity to money.  One of My Angels reminds me of green (although they’d be shocked to know I didn’t think of them as blue).  And they are struggling.  Spiritually, financially, and just with life itself: within “themself” with demons that “they” are afraid to face.  From my perspective, I see somebody who is beautiful inside and out, who is struggling with their own identify in some ways; someone who is trying to become something more in the future…to be happy and experience love.  I think their greenness is beautiful.

What are some of your own personal struggles?  Sometimes, when you are in the midst of strife, it is very hard to see the big picture.  But somebody else might also be watching your struggles and learn from them.  Their perspective might be totally different from yours.  This is one of the ways that God loves us, nurtures us, and works through us to offer love and support for others.

Watch Me Unfold…The Root of My Transformation


Thank you, Pandora, for bringing me such enlightenment in the morning!  This song is an amazing interpretation of my thoughts.  It is the root of my transformation…truly.  My whole life, I have been so afraid of EVERYTHING!  I don’t know why, really, I just am.

By afraid, I mean that I over-think every situation, every decision, and every potential decision until I have overwhelmed myself with “what ifs” and “but then if this happens, that will happen, and so-and-so will be upset, which will lead to such-and-such”.

REALLY?  Who has time for all of that crap?!

I want to LIVE LIFE and just be grateful of each breathing moment God blesses to my loved ones and me.  I want to open my heart to Him and them.  After all, what else is there on this earth worth more than love?

Unfold By Marie Digby

what i can remember
is alot like water
trickling down a page
of the most beautiful colors
i can’t quite put my
finger down on the moment
that i became like … this

you see, i’m the bravest girl
you will ever come to meet
and yet i shrink down to nothing
at the thought of someone
really seeing me
i think my heart is wrapped around
and tangled up in winding weeds

but i don’t wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my.. imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word i say comes stumbling
i will bare it all.. watch me unfold
unfold

these hands that i hold
behind my back are
bound and broken by my own doing
and i can’t feel
anything, anymore
i need a touch to remind me
i’m still real..

my soul
it’s dying to be free
i can’t live the rest of my life
so guarded
it’s up to me to choose..
what kind of life i lead.

cause i don’t wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my.. imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word i say comes stumbling
i will bare it all.. watch me unfold
unfold

i will allow someone to love me
i will allow someone to love me…

love me.. love me…

Lyrics by Marie Digby

Doin Da Butt


Yes, I am a product of the 80’s.  I think my favorite all time song from then is “Da Butt” by E.U.  I can remember all of the junior high dances, all of us in a big huddle shakin our butts.  It was so much fun.  I grew up at dances when hip hop dance music was really becoming the big thing, and I learned how to dance primarily with my butt, generally feet are planted.

I think my butt is why I am struggling with Zumba!

I mean, I have done Zumba for a few days, and what really, really hurts is my BUTT.  I am trying to boody dance to zumba, and it is not the same!  UGH!

I am also having problems with the steps being so fast.  I mean, moving all of my “bits and pieces” that quickly is near impossible!   But, I figure as long as I am focused on the basic motions of the movements, the rest will begin to fall into place.  Here’s hoping!

BTW, I love how they teach the steps in the first video.  Even though I had done bellydancing several years back, I realized I had been doing some of the moves wrong, or at least focusing on the wrong body parts.  Very interesting stuff!  OK…not really.

Here’s a little ol skool rewind for my 80’s friends:

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Tie Your Bra Straps Together and Face the Day!


This morning was actually a pretty good morning.  I woke right up and started my shower.  I even played music…Pandora: Natasha Bedingfield, in case you are wondering. 

I am a firm believer that part of finding and loving yourself is to feel sexy about yourself.  Sometimes…that is harder to do than other times.  For me, right now, it is a struggle.  Either way, this morning, I wanted to feel sexy. 

Oh…also, you don’t necessarily want to “show” that you are sexier.  I don’t want to go around looking like a desperate 30-something divorcee.  I would rather keep the “sexy” to myself.  Besides, when you feel good about yourself, you tend to have a natural glow about you.  THAT is what you want people to notice!

Anyways, I wore my “pretty” bra this morning.  I don’t mean that all of my other bras are ugly.  I simply mean that this one actually holds the girls where they are supposed to be.  That is it!  That is what makes this bra so nice.  (Sometimes it is the simplist things!)  I was feeling good.

On the way to work, my theme song came on:

My morning was rolling along.

Well, by the time I got to work, I was elbow deep into a war with my “pretty bra’s” pretty straps!  The shoulder straps kept creeping down my shoulders.  This is a problem…not just annoying.  See, when the shoulder strap falls down the arm, on THIS particular bra, the end result is the boob on that side falling somewhat to the side.  Ok…maybe not “somewhat” so much as A-LOT!

No matter what shirt I am wearing, it makes my chest look VERY NOTICABLE when one “girl” is where she should be, while the other one is dangling from my hip!

My solution???

I needed to tie my bra straps together.  I knew I should have ordered some of those little round disk things that they try to sell on mini infomercials.  But…I am creative!  I can devise my own doo-dad.  I didn’t really want to ask any co-workers to help me, because I would end up having to at least partially explain what I was trying to accomplish and why.  So, I took matters into my own hands.

I spun my chair around and began to scan the built in shelves.  Bottom shelf…on the right.  I saw a long piece of teal satin ribbon.  Within moments, I had strung the back of my bra straps together and tied a knot at a tight spot.  I then dropped the two ribbons down the back of my shirt, and grabbed them at my waist.  I just wrapped them around my bra strap and voila!  I don’t have to worry about shifting my shoulder straps all day!

So, if you happen to see me today, and you see a teal satin ribbon hanging from my person, please DO NOT pull it (don’t want the girls to come out and play!), cause I am having a good morning.  🙂

Gives a whole new meaning to wearing a “Save the tatas” ribbon.  HAHA