As I sit here, tears are falling down my face. It seems as though all I have done lately is apologize for not being good enough, quick enough, right enough, smart enough, skinny enough, early enough. It seems as though I cannot meet any goals or responsibilities or expectations. I don’t even know if the expectations are my own or not. All I know is that my head is swimming and I want to go to bed.
But I can’t.
I have to face all of the fears and failures, real or not, but I don’t know how. I am trying all kinds of methods, but nothing “works fast enough.”
How do I grab all of the pieces of my life and put them together again? How do I escape the daily dread of letting my family down or letting others down? Of letting myself down?
I mean, anyone else’s life, and I would have no problem helping them come up with a plan of action and get organized, but when it is my own, I am clueless. I don’t know where to begin.
How do I successfully mesh together a plan for financial stability and responsibility, for physical health and fitness, for educational growth and future opportunity and security, for successful work habits and development, AND find time to be a good mommy? I am always letting someone down. I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to go back for a Masters degree! I must have been out of my ever-loving mind to think I could pull it off when I had yet to get in order the current issues of my life.
How do you move past the pain without first having to recognize it for what it is, and either accept it for fix it? How do I face the hurt about certain situations, knowing there is no immediate solution? How do I escape the deep sense of longing and loss?.
How do you move past the fear that paralyzes your every move? Fear of what, you ask? Just plain fear. Fear of everything…failure, loss, pain, hurt, unintentionally hurting others, of not being loved, of not loving enough, of being alone, of not being enough. Fear of actually living life. Fear of being who I really am. Fear of judgement. Fear of being called crazy. Fear of EVERYTHING!
How do I face the fullness of the consequences for my decisions in life, particularly over the past three years. No, there is not a lot I would change, but the consequences are killing me! I know I put myself here, and I know that it is nobody’s fault but my own. REGARDLESS of how I got here, I am here, and I don’t know how to move forward.
I pray, don’t worry about that. I do. And even though I know my God is a kind and loving God, I still feel I don’t deserve the blessings He has graced in my life NOW, what makes me think I am worth more of His mercy and love? I have messed up everything He has provided. Over and over.
I am on my knees with tears in my eyes asking for guidance. God, please fill my brokenness, because I don’t know how…