Category Archives: Food

Addiction to; abhorance of; reliance on; struggle with; etc.

Weightless


This is me today.  I am choosing to continue moving forward.  I am continuing to face and let go of my emotional baggage.  It is like having a moment of weightlessness, this whole “touchy feely therapy” stuff.  It seems like the more fears I face, which are very, very difficult, the more weightless I feel.

I have begun having conversations with people to discuss things that I have always been so afraid to just say.  I know it sounds easy, but it is not easy for me.  I may seem social, but when it comes to confrontation, even mild, I tend to shy away and internalize what I want to say or what I feel.  “Stifle yourself,” Archie Bunker would say.  Well, that is one way of dealing with stress.

All that seems to ever get me is so anxious (i.e. emotionally constipated) and overwhelmed at NOT facing the confrontation.

Of course, this new life changing way of thought has played a toll on me.  Evidently, I am an emotional eater (I suppose I have always lived in denial).  It seems like the more of this crap I have faced, the more I have relied on food to comfort me during the process.  However many pounds I have but back on (fluctuates between 10-18 pounds) are haunting me and making me feel like a failure.  I am realizing now the patterns involved in why I am eating, and I believe there is a more to learn.

Point is, this is a good song.  And I need to remember to forgive my own mistakes, and move forward.

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Unreachable


Wow.  I survived.  By the sweet grace of God, I survived Thursday night.  I cannot even begin to explain.

I know that I woke up on Friday morning still grumpy, bags under my eyes, hating life in general.  I felt as if I had survived an exorcism.  I had just faced my life’s issues…my demons, if you will.  All of the parts of me that hide away, as well as how my decisions do effect and have effected my family, everyone around me, and myself.  How I truly feel like I had let everyone down.  Then couple that with a family counseling class that has forced me to look at my family on paper and notice patterns and blah blah blah.

Point is…I came to direct terms with the very real fact: I am broken.  We all are.  We are all victims of the behaviors of others, and we all take turns victimizing one another, whether we know it or not.  It is human nature.  It is inevitable.

God had given me all of these miraculous blessings in my life and I had hurt them all and was not as grateful as I could have been.  I took a lot of true blessings for granted.  I felt such shame and unworthiness.

Then, this song played…

The words spoke everything I was thinking and feeling.  The overwhelming sense of peace began to bring reassurance and comfort, love and protection.  All of my human fears vanished and once again I felt the truest of truth, I felt God within my soul.  I knew we would be okay if I just stayed focused on His guidance.  When I am weak, He will give me strength.

Not only did the blessings continue to pour down on us, but the awareness of God’s great and abundant love became ever so clear again.  I had been missing that sense of fullness and faith.

Yes, Uncle T., I heard your message, Let go and Let God.  It is easier said than done, AND it is necessary.  When you turn your life over to God and allow Him to work through you, He will provide for you.

It is simply amazing.

Broken


ImageAs I sit here, tears are falling down my face.  It seems as though all I have done lately is apologize for not being good enough, quick enough, right enough, smart enough, skinny enough, early enough.  It seems as though I cannot meet any goals or responsibilities or expectations.  I don’t even know if the expectations are my own or not.  All I know is that my head is swimming and I want to go to bed.

But I can’t.

I have to face all of the fears and failures, real or not, but I don’t know how.  I am trying all kinds of methods, but nothing “works fast enough.”

How do I grab all of the pieces of my life and put them together again?  How do I escape the daily dread of letting my family down or letting others down?  Of letting myself down?

I mean, anyone else’s life, and I would have no problem helping them come up with a plan of action and get organized, but when it is my own, I am clueless.  I don’t know where to begin.

How do I successfully mesh together a plan for financial stability and responsibility, for physical health and fitness, for educational growth and future opportunity and security, for successful work habits and development, AND find time to be a good mommy?  I am always letting someone down.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to go back for a Masters degree!  I must have been out of my ever-loving mind to think I could pull it off when I had yet to get in order the current issues of my life.

How do you move past the pain without first having to recognize it for what it is, and either accept it for fix it?  How do I face the hurt about certain situations, knowing there is no immediate solution?  How do I escape the deep sense of longing and loss?.

How do you move past the fear that paralyzes your every move?  Fear of what, you ask?  Just plain fear.  Fear of everything…failure, loss, pain, hurt, unintentionally hurting others, of not being loved, of not loving enough, of being alone, of not being enough.  Fear of actually living life.  Fear of being who I really am.  Fear of judgement.  Fear of being called crazy.  Fear of EVERYTHING!

How do I face the fullness of the consequences for my decisions in life, particularly over the past three years.  No, there is not a lot I would change, but the consequences are killing me!  I know I put myself here, and I know that it is nobody’s fault but my own.  REGARDLESS of how I got here, I am here, and I don’t know how to move forward.

I pray, don’t worry about that.  I do.  And even though I know my God is a kind and loving God, I still feel I don’t deserve the blessings He has graced in my life NOW, what makes me think I am worth more of His mercy and love?  I have messed up everything He has provided.  Over and over.

I am on my knees with tears in my eyes asking for guidance.  God, please fill my brokenness, because I don’t know how…

Repeated Failure OR Why I Eat


Cupcake contemplates Domino’s too. She loves those garlic knot thingies.

The thing about setting goals, is that there will always be failure.  over and over failure.  Especially when you are setting LIFE ALTERING goals.  Losing weight is not just the simple goal of ridding yourself of excess “stuff.”  It is a battle that can sometimes consume you (pardon the pun) moment to moment.

And because each moment takes sheer, life-altering strength, each moment also possesses potential for failure.

Each moment is a struggle that is physical, emotional, sometimes spiritual.  Oh please, have you never gotten in the guilt battle with your self because you are not treating your body like a temple to God:  It is His gift to me, and I have all of my fingers and toes and am very fortunate, but I don’t even show my appreciation to God by eating healthy?  It is even better when reinforced my “those who love you.”

Sometimes the struggle is about happiness.  I feel so miserable right now, but I know that garlic knot thingy from Domino’s will make me happy.  Even for just a moment.  Now, tell me how that CANNOT result in a massive battle between why you make food so important in your life, and why you cannot seem to be capable of making your own self happy.

Sometimes it is physical.  And by physical, I mean both perceived and real physical struggles.  Sometimes there is this deep hunger that is just that…feeling hungry.  No matter what you do or don’t do, the feeling never feels satiated.  You can eat yourself sick, and you still have hunger pangs.  What the hell is that?!  Seems kind of not fair.  But that is the way it is sometimes.  They feel very REAL, whether or not they are perceived.

THEN, you have everything else to still worry about on top of it.  Consistently being judged and criticized…by YOUR OWN SELF, by others, always feeling like you are failing everyone because your focus is always set on that internal hunger struggle.  It really can be consuming.

I just read back…guess I might be changing the title of this one, because I seem to have gotten sidetracked.  lol  typical me.  Love me for my rant, I suppose.

Back to the failures at hand…

Admitting failure is another internal struggle for me.  Avoiding admitting failure is more my style.  I have this wonderful website that helps me to track my weight loss goals, and food, and other statistics.  http://www.myfitnesspal.com in case you are interested.

I am GREAT at tracking everything, when  I am doing everything right, which is NOT very often.  (It is very hard to work on NOT eating, while ALSO working on getting your overly heavy bottom off the couch and moving it!  Those are two totally different beasts within).

Oops, speaking of failure…pizza is here.  Talk to you later!  🙂

How I hide from my fatness and other such illusions


This is a great “in-depth” perspective.  It is like what I was walking about in Hiding Behind Fat a few days ago.

How I hide from my fatness and other such illusions.

…wow

80 Pounds Lost – Another Photo


I found a good close up shot to compare my weightloss, so I figured I would add it too.

When I look at the pic on the left, I see myself…but it is like I see myself trapped…like I see myself hidden INSIDE of that face and that photo.  Bizarre!

How do you like YOUR pancakes?


Let me just paint a picture for you of my most recent Friday night…

I was relaxing on Friday evening, all stretched out and happy.  My darling son, James (the 26 year old) decided to be an awesome son and make pancakes for supper, and discussed those plans with me.

“I have to run up to the corner store and get syrup.  Then, I put syrup in the freezer for you so that it can be cold.  See?  You don’t even realize all of the little things I do for you to have YOUR pancakes,” James admitted. (I am a Very picky eater.)

“Thank you.”  I added, “I love pancakes with cold syrup.”

“I know.  But I don’t,” James said.  If I use cold syrup, my pancakes get too cold too soon.”

I followed his comment with, “I don’t put all of the syrup on at one time, I like to put a little bit on a fraction of the pancakes, eat that section.  Once those few bites are gone, I will put a little more syrup on another little fraction of pancakes.  Then, I get cold syrup on every bite, and my pancakes don’t get soggy.”  I smiled, thinking about how yummy his pancakes are!  “I love how you overcook the edges, so they are crispy.  And the middle is cooked enough.  I don’t like them cakey in the middle, or mushy from butter and syrup.”

James responded, “I love them thick and cakey.  I like to pour the syrup over top of the stack and let it sit and soak in for a few minutes.  Then, when you take a bite, there is no syrup on the pancakes underneath, but the pancakes on top are saturated.  It all works out in the end, and you end up with a perfect bite.”

I gasped.  “Ew!  I could not eat mushy pancakes.  Yech.”

This is about the time when I looked at him, and he looked at me, and we both realized simultaneously how pitiful we were!  I could not believe how much effort and focus we had invested in strategizing the perfect bite of pancakes…and they were JUST PANCAKES!  Do we do this for every meal?  DoIdo this for every meal?  Is this healthy and normal?

I looked at James, shaking my head.  “Bubba, if we spent even a fraction of our pancake strategizing time on positive things, just think of how much we could change the world!”  HAHA we laughed.

But really, I was only half joking.  I realized how much importance I put on food.  Do you do this too?

I am ready for skinny pants…NOW!


Everyone who has ever dieted or exercised knows that the first two weeks, weight drops off like raindrops.  Some say it is water weight…whatever.  Who cares what it is, it drops off, which is all that matters to the sweaty girl doing The Biggest Loser workout.

So, now that I am in week 4, I found myself looking at the scale…discouraged.  It sure didn’t move much.  WHY NOT?!  I am treadmilling every day at lunch and trying to do a workout every night, too.  I have not been eating poorly (except for when the Japanese handcuff me to the hibachi)…otherwise, I’ve been sticking mainly to no-or-lo carb foods.

Oh yeah, I remembered.  All of this work will only shed between 1-3 pounds per week.  So, I realize that I am grateful for 17 pounds lost in 3 weeks, and look forward to trying to hit the 20 mark by the end of this week.

And I must mention that my “fat pants” are starting to crawl down my hips, which excited me until I looked in the mirror and realized I still have so far to go! 

I think I have to get my mind off the ultimate goal, and focus more on making this something I want to do daily…something that becomes a true lifestyle change.  How do I do that???  Maybe I will worry about that after I have dropped the first 50.

An attack from China and then from Japan


I had a carb filled weekend.  Well, not “filled” but I did eat Chinese food for supper on Saturday with all of my family, and finished off my weekend with Japanese cuisine last night. 

Oy-vey!

Low carb is usually quite easy for me, but it becomes treacherous when I am not in familiar settings…i.e. going away for the weekend.  I no longer have control over my cooking environment, the pantry, and the desires of those around me.  Ah, who am I kidding…I was weak.  And I surely did not get my work out in, unless you count sitting on the blanket at the park or sitting on the blanket at the beach (really?!  Did you expect me to hobble over to the volleyball net and start a game?!) 

But, today, I am back on track, with only the dread of my failed weekend.  I was able to work out at lunchtime, and with a friend.  (That was very exciting).  Plus, I spent 1-1/2 hours mowing the lawn, AND the hill tonight.  I think that is success for today. 

One day at a time.

I have been sucked in!


Well, I believe it is time that I join the blogosphere.  Perhaps my intentions are not that of a true blogger.  More or less, I would just like to have somewhere to vent and draw energy. 

See, I am on a mission, with the end result being roller skating.  I know, sounds goofy, but it lies way deeper than that.  I sit here at the age of 34 and find myself not living.  I do not go out and have fun.  I do not enjoy life.  For years. 

For those of you who know me, I carry my share of extra weight, and it has been weighing down my spirit for years.  I am tired of it.  I have spent the last year praying for motivation, praying for strength, praying for the will and determination to take the first step.  To get in it to win it.  Even now as I type this, I fear even saying that I have set a goal for myself.  I have met my goals before, only to fall back into old habits and unhappiness. 

I want this time to be different.  Because I want to roller skate.  I want to play basketball defense with my son.  I want to dance around the living room without feeling self conscious.  I want to be happy again.

What is different this time?  I have found a sprout of pure happiness deep within.  That is my motivation.  To “live” again. 

This blog may be boring to many, but for anyone who has had to put their nose to the grindstone and stay focused, you may be able to relate.  I may ask for your support and encouragement from time to time.  Probably I will be ashamed of most of what I post.  I am ashamed of who I have allowed myself to become.  I am ashamed that I am hiding behind that person, afraid to face life again. 

So, here we go!