Category Archives: Exercise

The physical struggles, challenges, and hopefully successes.

I needed some sunshine today


I needed some sunshine today!

It has been one of those mornings where nothing seems to have gone right.  I woke up late, so Ashton missed his bus, and then I had to chase Cupcake around the parking lots this morning. 

So, when I pulled in to work and saw the full parking lots, I realized I was going to have to walk in from the “back 40” and there was no chance of being on time.  It was like God was telling me, no forcing me, to be in His light for a morning meditation while absorbing the healing light of our earthly sun.  I needed to pump up my heart rate and create some natural energy.  I needed to find a moment of peace and calm before continuing my day.

He even provided what I needed.  I realized I had my big scarf on and could wrap it around my wet head for protection against the Winnie-the-Pooh-like blistery winds.  I glanced over to the passenger seat of the van and saw the bottle of water from last night that I had not finished.  It was nice and cold from being in the car overnight, and would help if I began choking halfway up the hill (This kind of weather likes to play with my bronchial asthma).

No excuses.  Just a morning walk in the sunshine.  I so needed that!

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Unreachable


Wow.  I survived.  By the sweet grace of God, I survived Thursday night.  I cannot even begin to explain.

I know that I woke up on Friday morning still grumpy, bags under my eyes, hating life in general.  I felt as if I had survived an exorcism.  I had just faced my life’s issues…my demons, if you will.  All of the parts of me that hide away, as well as how my decisions do effect and have effected my family, everyone around me, and myself.  How I truly feel like I had let everyone down.  Then couple that with a family counseling class that has forced me to look at my family on paper and notice patterns and blah blah blah.

Point is…I came to direct terms with the very real fact: I am broken.  We all are.  We are all victims of the behaviors of others, and we all take turns victimizing one another, whether we know it or not.  It is human nature.  It is inevitable.

God had given me all of these miraculous blessings in my life and I had hurt them all and was not as grateful as I could have been.  I took a lot of true blessings for granted.  I felt such shame and unworthiness.

Then, this song played…

The words spoke everything I was thinking and feeling.  The overwhelming sense of peace began to bring reassurance and comfort, love and protection.  All of my human fears vanished and once again I felt the truest of truth, I felt God within my soul.  I knew we would be okay if I just stayed focused on His guidance.  When I am weak, He will give me strength.

Not only did the blessings continue to pour down on us, but the awareness of God’s great and abundant love became ever so clear again.  I had been missing that sense of fullness and faith.

Yes, Uncle T., I heard your message, Let go and Let God.  It is easier said than done, AND it is necessary.  When you turn your life over to God and allow Him to work through you, He will provide for you.

It is simply amazing.

Broken


ImageAs I sit here, tears are falling down my face.  It seems as though all I have done lately is apologize for not being good enough, quick enough, right enough, smart enough, skinny enough, early enough.  It seems as though I cannot meet any goals or responsibilities or expectations.  I don’t even know if the expectations are my own or not.  All I know is that my head is swimming and I want to go to bed.

But I can’t.

I have to face all of the fears and failures, real or not, but I don’t know how.  I am trying all kinds of methods, but nothing “works fast enough.”

How do I grab all of the pieces of my life and put them together again?  How do I escape the daily dread of letting my family down or letting others down?  Of letting myself down?

I mean, anyone else’s life, and I would have no problem helping them come up with a plan of action and get organized, but when it is my own, I am clueless.  I don’t know where to begin.

How do I successfully mesh together a plan for financial stability and responsibility, for physical health and fitness, for educational growth and future opportunity and security, for successful work habits and development, AND find time to be a good mommy?  I am always letting someone down.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to go back for a Masters degree!  I must have been out of my ever-loving mind to think I could pull it off when I had yet to get in order the current issues of my life.

How do you move past the pain without first having to recognize it for what it is, and either accept it for fix it?  How do I face the hurt about certain situations, knowing there is no immediate solution?  How do I escape the deep sense of longing and loss?.

How do you move past the fear that paralyzes your every move?  Fear of what, you ask?  Just plain fear.  Fear of everything…failure, loss, pain, hurt, unintentionally hurting others, of not being loved, of not loving enough, of being alone, of not being enough.  Fear of actually living life.  Fear of being who I really am.  Fear of judgement.  Fear of being called crazy.  Fear of EVERYTHING!

How do I face the fullness of the consequences for my decisions in life, particularly over the past three years.  No, there is not a lot I would change, but the consequences are killing me!  I know I put myself here, and I know that it is nobody’s fault but my own.  REGARDLESS of how I got here, I am here, and I don’t know how to move forward.

I pray, don’t worry about that.  I do.  And even though I know my God is a kind and loving God, I still feel I don’t deserve the blessings He has graced in my life NOW, what makes me think I am worth more of His mercy and love?  I have messed up everything He has provided.  Over and over.

I am on my knees with tears in my eyes asking for guidance.  God, please fill my brokenness, because I don’t know how…

Repeated Failure OR Why I Eat


Cupcake contemplates Domino’s too. She loves those garlic knot thingies.

The thing about setting goals, is that there will always be failure.  over and over failure.  Especially when you are setting LIFE ALTERING goals.  Losing weight is not just the simple goal of ridding yourself of excess “stuff.”  It is a battle that can sometimes consume you (pardon the pun) moment to moment.

And because each moment takes sheer, life-altering strength, each moment also possesses potential for failure.

Each moment is a struggle that is physical, emotional, sometimes spiritual.  Oh please, have you never gotten in the guilt battle with your self because you are not treating your body like a temple to God:  It is His gift to me, and I have all of my fingers and toes and am very fortunate, but I don’t even show my appreciation to God by eating healthy?  It is even better when reinforced my “those who love you.”

Sometimes the struggle is about happiness.  I feel so miserable right now, but I know that garlic knot thingy from Domino’s will make me happy.  Even for just a moment.  Now, tell me how that CANNOT result in a massive battle between why you make food so important in your life, and why you cannot seem to be capable of making your own self happy.

Sometimes it is physical.  And by physical, I mean both perceived and real physical struggles.  Sometimes there is this deep hunger that is just that…feeling hungry.  No matter what you do or don’t do, the feeling never feels satiated.  You can eat yourself sick, and you still have hunger pangs.  What the hell is that?!  Seems kind of not fair.  But that is the way it is sometimes.  They feel very REAL, whether or not they are perceived.

THEN, you have everything else to still worry about on top of it.  Consistently being judged and criticized…by YOUR OWN SELF, by others, always feeling like you are failing everyone because your focus is always set on that internal hunger struggle.  It really can be consuming.

I just read back…guess I might be changing the title of this one, because I seem to have gotten sidetracked.  lol  typical me.  Love me for my rant, I suppose.

Back to the failures at hand…

Admitting failure is another internal struggle for me.  Avoiding admitting failure is more my style.  I have this wonderful website that helps me to track my weight loss goals, and food, and other statistics.  http://www.myfitnesspal.com in case you are interested.

I am GREAT at tracking everything, when  I am doing everything right, which is NOT very often.  (It is very hard to work on NOT eating, while ALSO working on getting your overly heavy bottom off the couch and moving it!  Those are two totally different beasts within).

Oops, speaking of failure…pizza is here.  Talk to you later!  🙂

How I hide from my fatness and other such illusions


This is a great “in-depth” perspective.  It is like what I was walking about in Hiding Behind Fat a few days ago.

How I hide from my fatness and other such illusions.

…wow

80 Pounds Lost – Another Photo


I found a good close up shot to compare my weightloss, so I figured I would add it too.

When I look at the pic on the left, I see myself…but it is like I see myself trapped…like I see myself hidden INSIDE of that face and that photo.  Bizarre!

Doin Da Butt


Yes, I am a product of the 80’s.  I think my favorite all time song from then is “Da Butt” by E.U.  I can remember all of the junior high dances, all of us in a big huddle shakin our butts.  It was so much fun.  I grew up at dances when hip hop dance music was really becoming the big thing, and I learned how to dance primarily with my butt, generally feet are planted.

I think my butt is why I am struggling with Zumba!

I mean, I have done Zumba for a few days, and what really, really hurts is my BUTT.  I am trying to boody dance to zumba, and it is not the same!  UGH!

I am also having problems with the steps being so fast.  I mean, moving all of my “bits and pieces” that quickly is near impossible!   But, I figure as long as I am focused on the basic motions of the movements, the rest will begin to fall into place.  Here’s hoping!

BTW, I love how they teach the steps in the first video.  Even though I had done bellydancing several years back, I realized I had been doing some of the moves wrong, or at least focusing on the wrong body parts.  Very interesting stuff!  OK…not really.

Here’s a little ol skool rewind for my 80’s friends:

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Photos are here! 328 lbs. vs. 248 lbs.


Here you go.  These pics kind of saved my motivation.  As I mentioned in my 80-pounds lost blog, I look in the mirror, and I still only see the belly that has to go away, or the flabby part of the inner thigh (which I have so tenderheartedly refer to as “giblets.”) 

It wasn’t until I saw these photos that I realized how far I had come.  This is the difference between 328 pounds and 248 pounds.  Can I hear an AMEN?!

Zumba, it’s on!


I am ready to dive into working on Goal 2, which is to lose 50 pounds and be under 200 pounds!  My friend drug me to a free Zumba class a few months ago.  Although I couldn’t keep up, and thought I would die, I LOVED IT!  I love to dance, I love latin rhythm and music.  What’s not to love?

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Zumba will help me lose the next 50 pounds!

So, my birthday splurge (albiet late) was the Zumba video set.  I am totally stoked!  I tried out the Step by Step video this past weekend.  After about an hour, I was wondering when it would quit.  At least I made it that far! 

Since I didn’t lose the first 80 pounds with consistent exercise, I feel very out of shape.  I have always been very strong, but my stamina is nil!   Each night, I will do what I can for the first two weeks.  That is all it will take before it becomes much easier for me. 

Have you been through this?  How did you start your exercise or workout program (maybe not even to lose weight, but to tone, or even build muscle)?

80 Pounds Lost!!! Goal 1 is COMPLETE


Admittedly, I got here over a span of two years, and with a great deal of stress, a divorce and a few kindly kidney stones.  But, it is still 80 pounds lost.  Over the two years, there would be months of high motivation, and months of very little effort.

As I was unpacking this past weekend, I was going through some pictures…looking at them for the “first time”, if you will.  I found some pictures at my largest weight, 328 pounds (did I actually just type that number into a blog post?!?!)  That is, 328 pounds on a girl who only stands 5’1″.  

It’s okay.  Say it…WHOA!  That is what I said.  When I showed some family members, ALL of them individually said, Wow, I didn’t realize you got that big.”

Well, neither had I.  I mean, I knew, but I was in some serious denial…up until yesterday.  When I finally decided to face myself in the mirror.  All I could see was the work that needed to be done.  I could not see the difference from the 80 pounds…until I saw the pictures.

With each image, I realized how far I had already come.  WOW!  Talk about motivation to really get in gear and get fit!

That said, I am pumped up for the NEXT GOAL OF 50 POUNDS, which specifically means that I will be under 200 pounds.  I have not seen those numbers since high school! 

All of my friends and family who are encouraging me, please keep it up.  I cannot do this alone, and I love to hear your stories or even just brief inspirational messages.  If you want me to share some with you, let me know!

PICS WILL BE POSTED IN A FEW DAYS!