Once again, the flap on the backpack is ripped open and the packing begins. The battle has been smoldering; the war just under the surface. My mind is gearing up with defenses in place and a wall of protection quickly building up around me. Protective isolation, a fallacy in its own right, offers false sense of security and peace.
My initial instinct is to grab for one of my comfort vices: food, cigarettes, nail-biting, acceptance and love from certain individuals; any of my past vices. You know, those moments when you can no longer face the moment and you need to bury yourself in someone or something? When confronted with a challenging obstacle, I seem either to grab the bull by the balls and make things happen, or (more recently) I melt away in fear and self doubt. When did this happen? More importantly, how did it happen?
Even if we leave the past in the past…how do I move forward? How can I grab the situation (or crisis) and tackle it with confidence? Manipulate the negative into positive flowing energy? How can I move past a “scary” potential consequence to live for the journey? Consequences are negatively charged thoughts anyways, because the preparation for a consequence typically means you are planning for something to fail or go wrong.
At the apex, like a sweet cherry on top (yes, facetious roll of the eyes), there awaits admittance of failure and or weakness. That is always my favorite life lesson to tackle.
I am faced again with a life decision; one that affects me and my son in a relatively big way. I feel like I am alone, but I know that I am not. I still want to bury my face in his shoulders, but I know I must put on my big girl panties and face the unknown and unpredictable.
I need to have the courage to stand up to my own mind and thoughts. I actually successfully did this Saturday to prevent an anxiety meltdown. I went in to the bathroom and found a song on my ipod. I didn’t actually know I had the song, but I had heard it before. Needless to say, the song spoke to my soul and began to help transform my thoughts. I wrote some of the lyrics on post it notes and stuck them to the mirror (life affirmations). I felt much better after that.
Listening to that song, I did experience a slight epiphany.
I fell down
…and I tumbled.
But I did not crumble!
“I did not crumble.” I think back on several times in my life when I did crumble. I gave up on living because of my fear to just “be.” But I realize I don’t want to do that right now. I don’t want to crumble. I am stronger than that and I think I am at a place in my life where I actually realize that, without needing substantiation from another person.
Still, the doubt creeps back in. The “what ifs” and fears of the unknown still wield weapons in my mind, demanding action in battle. I have to find a way to be okay with whatever happens, no matter what happens. Is that unreasonable?