One step…a very important step…of my transformation is to focus on me. Sounds simple enough, maybe even greedy.
Let me tell you a quick little story about a girl. When she was 15, she fell deeply and madly in love with an adorable cuban boy from brooklyn. He fell in love with her too. Their love was so pure and honest that it scared the girl away…many times. But living without him was unbearable, and the girl would be brave and go back to him begging for his love. Undeniably, he would take her into his arms once again.
This went on for years, until they stopped returning each others calls.
Lets just say that I can relate to this girls life…except for the parts that sound really pitiful.
I have been talking to him again through facebook for about four years now, and recently might have had a deja-rendez-vous (you’ll have to buy the book for those deets! haha)
Realize this, he lives 900 miles away and is not in a position to begin a relationship. We have had some amazing discussions and he has been there for me – to pull me off the proverbial windowledge a few times. I never realized before how well he knows me. He has been a wonderful blessing as a friend. But anything more than that is not possible right now and I am finding myself upset over that. But not for the right reasons.
In the shower this morning, I was thinking about how I felt about the entire situation between him and me. It seems like his feelings for me fluctuate like the tides. One day he is all twitterpated, and the next day he is…just him. His freaking responses are so up and down. Then, it hit me. I realized I have been “reading into” every conversation. He is the one who has been consistent. I am the one who has been off her rocker! It is so intensely self-centered, isn’t it? Truely, I don’t “need” him. I don’t need anyone but God and myself. Relationships can never be based on that kind of need, because it is not healthy. It is not fair to him, and it certainly won’t get me anywhere but ultimately heartbroken.
So, I am forced to open my eyes once again to the reality of the situation…
My point is this…realistically speaking…I have nothing to offer anyone right now. I am a mess, and I don’t particularly like myself very much.
I think this is where a lot of people might head for a rebound relationship our some sort of emotionally supportive relationship. I feel like I can’t live without him. I feel like I can’t breathe without him…I glow just to heart his voice. He knows me better than any other man I’ve ever known. While all of this might be true on some level, and a relationship might be inevitable…or hell, it could be poppycock. Either way, it is not what is best for me right now.
Right now, I need to put all of my energy and hopes into myself. Right now, I figure that if I pour all of my energy into him and loving him, and forming a relationship with him, I will never fully be able to find myself and move forward in a positive way. I have spent so, so, so many years trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be…perhaps because I was so afraid of just being myself. In fact, I now believe that I would intentionally pour myself into those around to AVOID being myself. How crazy is that?! Now, don’t get me wrong, he is an amazing friend and I will always love him dearly…but…
I think I deserve some of my love and attention. I am worth it. Right now, I have to be more important than others in my life (with the exception of my 9-year old son!!!).
I have all of these dreams for my future. I want to have a foster care group home one day, where I can help kids to transition into living on their own successfully after foster care. I want to write a book (or 10?) and get published…in a way that helps others. I feel like God has an immense plan for me. I know I am not there right now. And I know that everything I am going through, all experience that I gain, all tribulations that I overcome are all for the purpose of God’s plan for me.
But I strongly feel that God is calling me to work on myself. I cannot help anyone else properly, if I can’t even help myself, right? If God thinks I deserve it, perhaps I should too…
Now I just have to remember that I feel this way the next time I get caught up in the emotion!