Back in Black


I have spent 37 years of my life making excuses.  NO MORE!  I am not on a weight loss expedition…obviously, that one failed.  After all, my last blog entry was in 2009 for goodness sakes.  Now, I AM happy to report that I have lost and kept off 60 pounds since the beginning of the blog, but I still a looonnnngggg way to go.

Like I said, I am not here to lose weight.  I am here for TRANSFORMATION!  From the inside out!  A lot, and I mean, A LOT, has occurred in my life since the last blogs.  I feel myself going through somewhat of a mid-life crisis…oh the times, they are-a changin’.  I have been on this three year roller coaster ride, which has left me contemplating life in general.

To sum it up, I got temporary custody of my two grandchildren; then my 25 year old son moved up to help me with his children; then came the separation and eventual divorce from my husband of 15 years; financial struggles; kidney stones; landlord committed suicide leaving us looking for a home; husband dating my friend at work (now talking about marriage and taking our 9 year old son ring shopping – isn’t it bad enough that he wants to go live with them?!); broken teeth coupled with excruciating pain; lack of a sex life; an old boyfriend in Florida offering love/support, and potentially empty promises;  after nearly 18 months of living with me and my son – their father – my grandchildren were then “legally kidnapped” by their mother once she was released from jail after her 2-3 month homeless crime-spree across the US with her drugged-out boyfriend and third child;  She would not allow us to see or speak to them for 6 months, leaving us fearing for their safety and well-being; more financial stress;  all resulting in a long, slow, gradual lapse into depression.  Oh yeah, and did I mention that I am overweight!!??  (ok, I am done whining)

I have been trying to stay too strong for too long.  Last week it was like I finally woke up.  And I was in a deep hole, looking up.  All I could see were the faces of everyone in my life, people I truly feel like I have let down.  It was as if they were all asking me, “Hey, what are you doing in a hole?  Why are you there?”  All along, I hadn’t even known I was there.  That is what depression is like…for me, at least.  It is gradual.  Things begin to get overwhelming, and within a few months, I am avoiding anything that could even remotely be overwhelming.  I don’t even go into my kitchen anymore…partly because my now 26-year old son is a slob and leaves the nastiest messes, and partly because the very sight of dishes overwhelms me. 

I can make it through my work day, but by the time I get home, I am completely wiped out.  I don’t want to move, I just want to sit or lay down.  I don’t want to be near anyone or talk to anyone, unless they are going to coddle me and hold me tight.  Pitiful right?

I have always lived my life in a certain way.  Perhaps some would call me a snob.  I certainly have done my share of judging others.  I consider this entire process a horrifying lesson in being humble.  I am only now beginning to piece together the things that I must do to turn my life around…to transform myself and become the person I want to be.  And hopefully, I can find a way to help others at the same time.  Join me?

Talk to you later!

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