Several years ago, I realized that I could not really look at myself in a mirror. I mean, I look, but I don’t “see.” I just skim over the reflection and move on quickly, trying to avoid facing what had become of my body and of my psyche.
What I didn’t realize (until very recently) was that I have spent my whole life of relationships “projecting” my own body image issues onto others. I never believed that anyone could really love me…truly love me, because I never felt like anyone could really look at me, see me, and accept me. This wasn’t because I have a lack of confidence or think that I am unworthy…It is because I COULDN’T LOOK AT MYSELF or ACCEPT MYSELF. I still can’t really. I am working on it, though I am not really sure how to do so.
I have a friend who describes me to her friends as a “supermodel.” She says that my attitude and confidence are reminiscent of a supermodel. That statement baffles my mind. First, to be compared to a supermodel (in spirit, of course), but secondly, I never realized someone could see me like that. I never realized that I portrayed a woman confident with herself and who she was…because I am so NOT.
Talk about reflecting an image. So, BECOMING a woman happy with her body, no matter what shape, is a new goal on my goal list. I am working on believing that the people who are my friends, are so because they like me, lock, stock and barrels. Hopefully, I will be able to like myself as much.